Empty Nest Season: A Husband's Survival Guide

A husband’s survival guide for Empty Nest Season 

With college move-in season upon us, you may be one of the many men navigating the emotional roller coaster of the Empty Nest transition with your wife.

My family went through this in March when my oldest flew the coop, and many of my clients are experiencing this for the first time this summer. Below are some insights from my lived experience as a mom. It’s a list of everything I wish we knew going into this season.

1) One Experience: Two perspectives

When my son moved out, my partner carried most of the joy, excitement, and pride for him. This is what we had been preparing him for and was the fruit of our parenting labor- it was a huge milestone of celebration for him.  

I carried most of the worry, sorrow, and grief. My kids running in and out of the house, grabbing food, hanging out with their friends, was always the highlight of my day. The thought of his empty bedroom and a full refrigerator gutted me. 

Strategy: Let each of your emotions be what they are- no judgement, no guilt.

Agreeing on how to experience this is a lost cause. Both perspectives are true; neither is “right.” If you’re judging her grief, or feeling guilty that you're happy, it’s going to make this transition harder. Just let it be what it is. 

2) I wanted to cry; it felt good to me

It’s been said that grief is just left-over love with no place to land. So when my tears came seemingly out of nowhere (as grief does) I loved it. To the untrained eye, I looked miserable. But the tears and sobs were so healing for me. It felt like a portal where I got to be physically connected to my son again. The tears were as fulfilling to me as having a good long chat with my kid on the couch. 

My partner, like most men, has strong “don’t make her cry” vibes. So when he saw me upset, he’d rush to try and comfort me. Except this wasn’t a problem to be solved. And his solutions sounded like this: “you shouldn’t be sad, you should be happy! He’s doing what he loves…”. His best attempts to comfort me took me out of the healing power of my tears into an emptiness of feeling unseen, unsupported, and misunderstood. He was unknowingly taking me from relief to resentment.

Strategy: if/when your wife is in grief, don’t rescue her- WITNESS HER

She’s closing one of the most significant chapters of her entire life. Let the grief move through her without trying to stop it. All you have to do is hold space for it. 

3) Holding space is like holding her puke bucket

Think of this as holding the proverbial trash can beneath her head while she’s vomiting. I know it’s a gross visual, but that’s how it’s going to feel. Let her spew without trying to stop or redirect her. Just let it land and thank her for being so vulnerable with you. If you're a problem-solver,  this may sound super passive to you, to just let her spiral with no way to “fix it”. Trust me, this is a pro-level move that helps create the emotional safety she’s probably craving right now. 

Strategy: Listen. Keep listening (don’t interrupt). After she’s finished talking, thank her for being so vulnerable with you. Tell her she’s never looked more beautiful in her vulnerability. Ask her if there’s anything else she’d like to share. Tell her it was the privilege of your lifetime to watch her raise the kids/ raise kids with her and that she’s done an incredible job with them. Thank her again for sharing her gifts with the family and for letting you into her world.

4) My grief came with regret and self-doubt

Women have hyper-active amygdala, which means we are world-class worriers. Knowing that I would no longer be the primary influence in my son’s life brought up a ton of regret. What if I wasn’t thorough enough with my teachings? I shouldn't have gotten so worked up about minor issues. What if I’ve been too easy on him and the world knocks him down? My child was about to get battle-tested by life, and I assumed personal responsibility and complete parental failure for any potential setbacks he would encounter.

My partner was world-class at reminding me that being battle tested was being human and that no matter what, he’d always have a loving home to come back to, if necessary. He was world class at reminding me that everything was figure-out-able and that my kid had the 1-2 punch of having a supportive family AND incredible self-reliance. He was world class at saying “yes, of course, he will encounter challenges, and he’s a smart, capable kid who knows how to problem solve. It’s how we become men, being out in the world, figuring it out.”

Strategy: when she’s in worry mode, don’t tell her she’s being ridiculous. Remind her of all the character assets the child has and that everything is figure-out-able. Remind her you’re a phone call away. And remind her that everything is always happening for our highest and best good, and that life has a way of picking up where parenting leaves off. 

4)Invite her on low-stakes outings

Children become a mother’s center of gravity. Right or wrong, they become what we orbit around. When the kids start to peel off into their own galaxies, it can feel destabilizing for a mother. This can be intense- but it’s also temporary. Nature abhors a vacuum and that time and energy that previously went to raising her kids will get filled again. This is a matter of exposure. At first, she may not feel like engaging. But reminding her that there’s life outside the home will start to fill that void. 

Strategy: invite her on a walk around the neighborhood. A movie. A great restaurant with a corner booth. Gentle opportunities to leave the house that won’t force socialization, but also reminds her there are opportunities waiting for her when she’s ready. An excuse to get ready and put her best foot forward again.

5) PREPARE FOR LOTS OF MINOR ADJUSTMENTS AROUND THE HOUSE

She may not do the laundry as much as she used to. You may revert to eating bowls of cereal for dinner again like you did in college. Lots of the little things she did before may get dialed way back. Don’t take it personally. ‘Making memories for children’ is a powerful motivator for mothers to add all kinds of special “extras” to meals, holidays, etc. When the kids aren’t around, that drive largely goes away. It’s not because she stopped loving you or caring about your experience. It’s that the primary motivator for all those bells and whistles was creating a sense of home and nostalgia for the kids. When the kids are gone, those bells and whistles largely start to feel irrelevant.

Strategy: Nothing. Adjust your expectations. Suggest you take turns cooking meals or cook together now. Find new restaurants to try together. 

*Worth noting: for many women, the Empty Nest Stage coincides with menopause. That drop in estrogen is largely responsible for no longer feeling the need to care for everything and everyone around her. This would be a good season to reanalyze the work-load to identify who is in charge of what. Her natural inclination to just take care of it is no longer there. It doesn't mean she's gotten lazy. It means she's gotten clear on how she wants to spend her time and energy.

4) EXTEND THE TIME HORIZON

Some women grieve for a few hours, others grieve for a few months. Either way, at some point in the near future, the grief will end. It will give way to a whole new era of falling in love all over again. But this time with the added benefits of years of shared experience, the living legacy of your child(ren), more freedom of time and money, and a quiet knowing that the best is still yet to come. 

Strategy: plan a milestone trip together. Look at old photos often. Mentor a younger couple together. Take advantage of all the opportunities having no kids in the house brings.