The Ambition Gap, the space where words like this are spoken due to the entrepreneur, or more ambitious partner, trying to force their significant other into being as driven as them, creates two defeated partners.
For more on
The Ambition Gap,
listen to Kelly on the 10X Talk with
Dan Sullivan and
Joe Polish.
Being self led is the key to moving from unhealthy on The Relationship Spectrum to healthy. It is the ability to move your own thoughts in a direction that leads to greater satisfaction in your relationship and in all areas of your life.
Leading yourself means that you also choose with whom and what you will consult for outside perspectives before making your own decisions that motivate you to reach your goals and actualize the rewards of success in intimacy and business based on what you ultimately think is best.
Living a self-led life, as Kelly stresses in the book, can only be achieved if we own our self-care before everything else.
Shifting from one place on The Relationship Spectrum to another solely depends on your ability to create space for that one thing that matters most. You. Your wellbeing is dependent on you knowing that everything in your life relies upon the level at which you are able to find balance.
This time, because you are cognizant of where you sit on The Relationship Spectrum, you can catch yourself before you end up unhappy in your marriage, partnership or intimate relationships. If you have already arrived at a breaking point, this may just be a breakthrough zone for you and your partner.
One of the most powerful takeaways I extracted from Kelly’s framework at The Entreprenewer, was the absolute knowing that no matter how well we are trained, life can still become overwhelming.
If we allow flow to turn into tumultuous waves that knock us off course, we can always come back to taking responsibility for our ability to shift anything that comes our way into an opportunity to paddle and confidently find our footing again.
In my 20s, I was trained as a team member of Strategic Coach on the importance of Free Days, strategic planning for my life and the development of healthy thought patterns. After I transitioned out of the company to get more diverse professional experience, I realized that the world could make maintaining all of the things that I had learned there very difficult if I allowed it. And it did.
I traveled extensively for work. Most of my friends were at work. My interests became my work and while I did maintain personal travel with my ex spouse for quite some time, I was struggling with my Unhealthy Alpha
tendencies in my marriage.
Nothing felt good enough at home.
I got the guy I once wanted, the house I wanted, the car and the dog and a pool but it felt like I was living two lives.
At home I felt terribly misunderstood. At work I felt successful and seen.
I thought it was his fault or the fault of my career because leadership didn’t support wellbeing within the culture of the organization. The wine and spirits industry seemed to care more about making a statement of sustainability for marketing of organically grown wine than the sustainability of the health and wellbeing of the people who were ambassadors of the products adorned with symbols of green initiatives on the back labels.
I felt angry and assaulted before self-leadership arrived.
Feeling unhealthy was not the route I was willing to take any longer. Because I had no idea how to get where I wanted to go in regard to my health, I decided to begin by exploring. My love of travel could bring me to a place where I felt good in my body and confident in my ability to maintain my health over the course of my life. If I could figure it out, I would bring the work I did forward to help others.
Taking control of my health in the midst of up to 90% travel, over 10 meals out with clients and colleagues each week and the demands that came with my role was the biggest accomplishment of my life.
There’s no reward I could imagine to be any bigger than owning my health, wellness and well-being. Imagine that you can make your own statement of wellbeing every single day by taking even the smallest action of self-care to promote a self-led life.
In retrospect, I see the last 8 years of my life as overcoming my addiction to Unhealthy Alpha tendencies. In intimacy, this has been massive for me, learning that I can lead myself in a way that will naturally attract partnership that complements and meets my needs without FORCE!
It doesn’t have to be hard. No, it mustn’t be hard at all. When I say this, I am referring to the energy between intimate partners. When we constantly seek Healthy Alpha
and Healthy Beta, the relationship lightens up.
One of my favorite quotes from Kelly in Grow Your Business Without Growing Apart, is “…She thought he put the stars in the sky and so, he did…” Referring to her ex husband’s success that took place in a new relationship he formed, tears welled up in my eyes.
What if we constantly say this to ourselves, first about ourselves, so we can emit this type of energy into our love relationship?
I invite you to use this powerful mantra inspired by Kelly’s story and see how the dynamic shifts in your love relationship.
If I put stars in the sky, the darker the stratosphere, the brighter we all shine.
How do we start putting stars in the sky so they can too?
A great place to begin is awareness.
Today, 8 years after my divorce, I have maintained my wellbeing through consistent attention to the emotional, mental and physical state of my way of being. I check in with myself every single day by simply noticing because space is the place we understand and understanding leads to meaningful action, more time, more energy and boundless love.
The main course of my day is acknowledging the evolving, non linear truths of each moment in regard to the extent and the effort that I place on my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.
When I started telling the ugly and extraordinary truths about my tendencies, behaviors and habits, there was no outward or visible change. This time, I would take my time and begin with awareness.
Rather than forced, desperate attempts to change my physical condition in 21 days or be happy in 5, simple steps, the space I gave myself to sit with it all and think about my truths served as the base for letting go of Unhealthy Alpha.
Hi, I am Stephanie Fee and I proudly admit that my greatest strengths shine the brightest when I am in Healthy Beta. Beta, the B that I wanted to avoid so badly when I first opened Kelly’s book, is now what I know to be the space that I am most powerful in my business, in love and in all areas of my life.
When I cross into Alpha, Healthy Beta supports Healthy Alpha expressions and behavior. This is how I reach Omega. I can be in all zones on The Relationship Spectrum but I am most extraordinary in Omega. We all are. In leading others, the characteristics of Omega that I exude are those that others tell me are inspiring and motivating.
“Embracing Omega allows you to keep all of your power and all of your fire, but provides a respite from the constant grind of producing and initiating.”
How do we reach Omega?
Self-Leadership.
How can we lead a self-led life?
Taking care of ourselves first.
How can we do that when everyone and everything relies on us?
That’s exactly the reason we must care for ourselves first.
Omegas have the capacity to love fully and lead from the heart.
When I fall into Unhealthy Alpha, I am like a drill sergeant and that identity is so far from an authentic way of being for me – it creates friction and unrest inside of me, anxiety and fear.
In Part III, the final article of this series, we will explore harnessing feminine and masculine energy and the Omega Framework
to help you understand how you can lean into this powerful zone on The Relationship Spectrum.
Don’t miss Part III.
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Kelly uses a simple and powerful tool she learned from her late friend,
Sean Stevenson, that he calls “The When Life Works List,” also called the 10×10 list. 10 things you do by 10am each day.
Let’s try it out together.
They don’t have to be big things. In fact, starting small is great if you have struggled to put your own self-care before everything else in your life.
The things you list, however, have to be things you enjoy.
Share these 10 things with your partner. Ask them to create their “When Life Works List” and share it with you.
Make your list today and share in the comments below with The Entreprenewer Community.
Next week, Part III and the final part of this 3-part Series will help you take the next step toward
Growing Your Business Without Growing Apart.
Purchase a copy of Kelly’s book,
Grow Your Business Without Growing Apart.
The Entreprenewer uses a revolutionary approach that gears business tools and concepts toward entrepreneurial couples in a safe environment, giving both parties neutral territory to explore new personal frontiers so they can integrate the success of their business with success in their personal relationships.
Are you an entrepreneurial couple in need of private coaching?
Schedule a consultation with Kelly.
Stephanie Fee Maschek is a writer, Ghostwriter, Entrepreneur and Certified Master Health Coach who enthusiastically helps leaders who want to do big things, make bold moves, so they can ascend to their full potential.
